An Early Christmas - November 2nd

My cousin Jonny and I are standing inside the hospice where my uncle Phil is being treated, waiting for our cousin Emma to come back inside. She walks through the door on her crutches, and has this grin on her face that won't go away.

“Come outside!” she says. I have no idea what she's so excited about, but we're a little skeptical. After some coercion, we follow her out into the cold night air.

“Do you smell that?” she says, looking straight at me.

I'm not wanting to diminish her excitement, but I haven't the faintest idea of what she's talking about. “No, what am I supposed to smell?” I ask.

“It smells like CHRISTMAS!”

The temperature had dropped, and I guess it had dropped just low enough that the air had that “winter” feel to it. I'm not really used to that subtle change in temperature, and I suppose I'd lost my sense of excitement about the holidays that I once had as a kid, but in that moment, seeing the childlike glee on my 24-year-old cousin's face, I couldn't help but feel a little giddy also.

Following the weather's lead, my last week has felt a little different, too. My cousin Anna said something has changed spiritually in the atmosphere, and I agree. Something has been happening inside of me, where I've become more aware that I have left everything behind and am embarking on what is turning out to be more than just a short adventure. And it's been a really slow process. I haven't met as many friends as I'd like to have done, and there's still a lot about myself that followed me here that I knew would be a barrier. One of the main things, if you don't mind me being vulnerable, is that I'm terrible with women romantically. When I was younger this wasn't that big of a deal because I knew I had plenty of time to figure it out, but now that I'm thirty, I expected that part of my life to be different. But it isn't. I still have no idea how to properly talk to women, pursue women, or get the courage to ask them out. It scares me as much now as it did when I was 13, and I feel helpless, like there's nothing I can do to fix it. It's tearing me up inside. I'm sick of being lonely and I'm sick of feeling worthless.

I know this isn't something that I should really be blogging about and publicly sharing because I don't want people thinking I'm just trying to get sympathy, but frankly, I don't give a damn. I want people to know what I'm experiencing, and I want to be real. And in this season I've felt personally challenged to not numb myself while I'm feeling all of these things, especially in a foreign land where I'm already very uncomfortable. This week I've wanted to just buy a PS4, watch movies all day, overeat, smoke weed, or numerous other distractions that I know will end up destroying me, or at very least, numb me and stop me from growing. But I don't. I want to be open and raw and let God operate on me with His love. The only distraction I've allowed myself is my writing, which is what I want to be doing and was born to do. I want to write in a way that speaks to people in the deepest place of their hearts. And I know pouring out what's in mine will also help others be open to what is going on inside of them.

This is what I hear the Spirit speaking to me today: Matt, you're amazing. There's nothing wrong with you. Be encouraged. Be bold. Don't be afraid. Remember how much I love you. Remember what I think of you and what an amazing man you really are. Nothing will hold you back. Nothing will get in your way. I'm showing you what you were born to do, and there will be some bumps along the way. Take it all as joy, knowing that the testing of your faith will do nothing but produce character and strengthen you. You are like a winter snowball, and the more life experience you get under your belt, the bigger and stronger you become. You are becoming like a giant in the Spirit, and will change the world with what I've invested in you.

Be at peace, oh my soul.

I love you all. I hope this encourages anyone out there that feels the same way. I hope you can feel the Christmas spirit, wherever you are, even though it's only November. It's never too early in the year to let your heart dance.

Song of the day: