The One About Porn
I write differently when I know people are going to read it. I'm less vulnerable. More showy. Less authentic. I'm not gonna talk about my real struggles because if I'm ashamed of them, what will others think? That's the question I'm asking myself right now, sitting on the couch in my new place (which is bomb by the way), looking out the window at the ever-cloudy Yorkshire sky. The white puffs of cloud streak across my view, always in motion. The world turns, life goes on, and I'm still sitting here paralyzed by fear. Shouldn't I be able to be open about these things without fear of judgment? Shouldn't I be able to move on and truly live my life?
It's with this in mind that I feel the need to talk about this issue publicly, on my blog. It's my biggest struggle, and the biggest reason why I feel like life is running away from me faster than I can keep up. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking about porn.
When I bring this up, the reaction is usually the same: a clinching up on the inside, a tightening of the conscious. Then the thoughts and opinions flood their mind. Most people seem to fall into one of two camps with this issue: it's either a monster in the closet that devours people's lives or it's normal and I shouldn't worry about it. I've gone back and forth between these two camps, sometimes in both at once. Shame does that. Feeling defeated that I have to justify it. A coping mechanism.
The reason for this polarization in my mind (and I'd guess in the minds of others) is that porn is such a huge struggle for so many men all over. That consoles me sometimes, until I hear about friends that have overcome it, living life so abundantly that it sort of faded into the background and eventually disappeared. Even without those examples, I can't be permanently consoled by this thought. I refuse to normalize something that eats at my soul nearly every day of my life and destroys any wisp of confidence I have for my future marriage, for my career, and for the impact this will have on my dream of being a voice for the Kingdom of God.
So I feel stuck. I want to seek help, but I don't know really where to turn, because it's not something that's discussed openly. Non-Christian groups often don't care because they fall into the second camp of people that think it's normal. Christians will talk about it, but only in secret, in safe spaces with other men. Fuck that shit. Sex and sexual desire is a normal part of everyone's life, and some people have it figured out more than others. I don't. I'm still a virgin, partly intentionally as a Christian man seeking purity, but also because I haven't the confidence to pursue women and tend to subconsciously push them away.
The shame of my actions is like a black tar that bubbles up from inside of me and creates a dark cloud over my head that distorts and mutes any light shining in (or any light seeping out). I wish I knew what to do about this problem that so many people supposedly just “grow out of”. Well, if that's the case, then I'm still a boy, standing in front of the world, asking it to help me. How do you swim through such a disgusting muck of evil and pain? I thought I was better than this. I thought I was a Child of God, an overcomer, more than a conqueror. I hate it.
This is normally the part of my blog where I'd put the silver lining. Everyone likes to finish reading a blog and feel happy afterward, not sad. But I don't feel happy. Not about this issue. I can keep ignoring or I can just post this and see what people think. I'm not doing this as a pity party. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears. And if you want to lose respect for me or write me off, that's your prerogative, I guess. Hopefully my family still accepts me and values me. I know God does, despite everything.
Song of the day:
It's with this in mind that I feel the need to talk about this issue publicly, on my blog. It's my biggest struggle, and the biggest reason why I feel like life is running away from me faster than I can keep up. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking about porn.
When I bring this up, the reaction is usually the same: a clinching up on the inside, a tightening of the conscious. Then the thoughts and opinions flood their mind. Most people seem to fall into one of two camps with this issue: it's either a monster in the closet that devours people's lives or it's normal and I shouldn't worry about it. I've gone back and forth between these two camps, sometimes in both at once. Shame does that. Feeling defeated that I have to justify it. A coping mechanism.
The reason for this polarization in my mind (and I'd guess in the minds of others) is that porn is such a huge struggle for so many men all over. That consoles me sometimes, until I hear about friends that have overcome it, living life so abundantly that it sort of faded into the background and eventually disappeared. Even without those examples, I can't be permanently consoled by this thought. I refuse to normalize something that eats at my soul nearly every day of my life and destroys any wisp of confidence I have for my future marriage, for my career, and for the impact this will have on my dream of being a voice for the Kingdom of God.
So I feel stuck. I want to seek help, but I don't know really where to turn, because it's not something that's discussed openly. Non-Christian groups often don't care because they fall into the second camp of people that think it's normal. Christians will talk about it, but only in secret, in safe spaces with other men. Fuck that shit. Sex and sexual desire is a normal part of everyone's life, and some people have it figured out more than others. I don't. I'm still a virgin, partly intentionally as a Christian man seeking purity, but also because I haven't the confidence to pursue women and tend to subconsciously push them away.
The shame of my actions is like a black tar that bubbles up from inside of me and creates a dark cloud over my head that distorts and mutes any light shining in (or any light seeping out). I wish I knew what to do about this problem that so many people supposedly just “grow out of”. Well, if that's the case, then I'm still a boy, standing in front of the world, asking it to help me. How do you swim through such a disgusting muck of evil and pain? I thought I was better than this. I thought I was a Child of God, an overcomer, more than a conqueror. I hate it.
This is normally the part of my blog where I'd put the silver lining. Everyone likes to finish reading a blog and feel happy afterward, not sad. But I don't feel happy. Not about this issue. I can keep ignoring or I can just post this and see what people think. I'm not doing this as a pity party. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears. And if you want to lose respect for me or write me off, that's your prerogative, I guess. Hopefully my family still accepts me and values me. I know God does, despite everything.
Song of the day:
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