The Wilderness

I'm writing this blog because I haven't written in a while and I feel like people need an update on my life. I realized my blog entry dates are becoming further and further apart, to the point where you may never hear from me again. But I don't want to be silent - not because I feel like I have to chat about myself online to truly feel alive, but because my lack of writing blogs (and writing in general) is indicative to what I'm experiencing. I feel like I'm losing my voice.  Like it's being ripped away through my mouth as soon as it rises into my vocal chords.

That sounds a little dramatic, I'm aware. I continue to ride the train back and forth from work every day, doing the same mundane shit day in and day out. I hardly see anyone outside of work, except on the weekends. And that's weird, especially because I live in a country where I hardly know anyone anyway. And losing my voice in the midst of this dry, mundane season is scary, especially when my writing has been the only thing really keeping me sane. But here's the thing:  even though I have been feeling discouraged by all these thoughts, I know deep down that it's all going according to plan. The fact that I'm feeling discouraged is because I was born to do this. I am a writer. I was born on this earth to express the heart of God with the words that flow from my fingertips. I posted a while ago that for the first time ever, I know who I am and what I want. But there are barriers to seeing that through that I have to overcome. So now the real trial begins.  The test of my identity.

Like Jesus in the wilderness, my faith is being tested. The Holy Spirit opened the heavens, descended like a dove, and spoke over Jesus “This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased” (Mark 1:11). You'd think that right after that, he'd begin his ministry in power and love.  But the opposite happened - he was immediately brought into temptation.  But it wasn't temptation to sin or do evil - he was tempted to doubt his identity and what he was born to do.  Satan kept asking him if he really was the Son of God, and if he was, to prove it! I feel like this season is about me knowing who I am - a powerful son of the Most High God and a writer - and not having to prove it to anyone.  I'm not writing this blog because I have to prove to myself that I am a good writer.  I'm writing it because I want my words to unlock springs of life inside those that happen to stumble across it.  I want their lives to be forever changed, as I open my heart wide for you to see - the beautiful mess that is.

Pretty soon I'll be moving to Leeds (hopefully, depending on flat approval) and a new chapter of my journey here in the UK will begin. I'm nervous - partly because I was just starting to get comfortable, but mostly because I don't know if I'm moving at the right time or if I'm doing what I think God is saying to do. I'm tempted to question what I am doing here, if I really did hear from God when he told me to come here. I'm tempted to think my writing sucks and that I will never be published. I'm tempted to think that I won't ever get married, or that I'm not desirable, as I've unfortunately believed for years. But the very fact that I am tempted to believe these things is literally the strongest reason not to. I'm being tempted in this wilderness to doubt what is already true and will always be true about myself and what I'm called to do.  These dreams on my heart are just around the corner.


So gird up your loins, young ones. Know that the day of the Lord is near. The dreams of your heart will come to fruition. 2018 is a new year, and I don't know about you, but I feel a powerful shift in the wind. A few weeks ago I woke up in the morning and for no reason at all, felt an intense new boldness rise up inside of me. Your life matters. Everything you want to see fulfilled in your life is important. Rise up, beloved. Fight for that shit. Fight for it with every ounce of your being. Today is the first day of your life.  It'll be worth it.

Song of the day:


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