On My Way - September 5th

I just woke up from a nap on the plane to Stockholm. I had to sleep, otherwise jetlag would destroy me, which means I wouldn't be fully present with my family upon arrival. I want to be fully present. I want to do this right.

The feeling I have right now though is still a sense of the unknown. I'm groggy, but I'm strangely philosophical. It's entirely possible that all of this – planning on going to England, selling all my possessions, even being let go from Best Buy – is all a part of one of those stressful dreams that I'm so glad to wake up from. The scary part is that it's not a dream, and at this point, I honestly don't know how I would feel if it was.  On the one hand, I might be relieved that the stress of going into the unknown is off my chest.  On the other, I might be disappointed at the opportunity I just missed.  Either way, I'm scared.

That's the thing about doing things out of obedience, and not knowing why. It's scary. It's also exciting. But it's also scary. It's a scary sandwich. I am going in completely blind. I fear that my life will be exactly the same, but I also fear that it will be completely different. I have no idea what to expect. I'm scared that I won't live up to who my English family thinks I am. I'm scared that I won't find a community. I'm scared that even if I find these things, I'll be homesick and feel out of place. I'm scared that my job will fall through and I won't adapt culturally enough to keep up. I'm scared that I'll hate my job and regret coming to England. I'm scared that I may never find a woman and that God really won't be there for me.

But that's all those are – fears. And if I learned anything from the cheesy one-liners and nuggets of truth from Bible school, it's that fear stands for “False Evidence Appearing Real”, which means all this shit is really just in my head. Yes, it'll be hard at first, but it won't be impossible. I'm an adult. I will adapt. I am a smart guy. I am a charming guy. I have God with me. I am powerful. I'm a good looking dude. Shit will work out, Matt, I promise you.

I am excited about how I will bring all that I have to give into a new environment. I am excited for how different my life will be, and how much more I will enjoy it. I am excited about the surprises God has in store for me. I am excited to get to know my English family more and actually spend some real time with them. I am excited to meet new people and a new community. I am excited to feel homesick, which is a weird thing to say, and yet I am excited that my new life will make me not ever want to turn back. I'm excited for my new job and moving up quickly in the company. I'm excited for the new challenge of working with the English public. I'm excited to meet the wife that God has for me, probably in Oxford, no pressure or anything God.

Honestly, I think this fear I feel is a good thing. It isn't good in and of itself, but it's good because I'm facing it, which will build my character and propel me into my destiny head-on. John Wimber once said that faith is spelled “R-I-S-K”. I have faith that things are going to work out, and that's damn well good enough for me.

Song of the day: